Posts in Loss
165 | Shades of Blue - Kay Matthews

This is a story that includes loss - In memory of Troya Simone

Kay’s expectation of pregnancy was to feel joy. Her life was falling into place the way she wanted it to regarding her personal and professional life. She inquired about the effects of her workload and the pregnancy. Her provider said as long as she felt good, she could continue working the way she had been. Despite her provider's reassurance, she decided to start scaling back her work as a chef/entrepreneur. A few weeks later, she started feeling bad while she was at a party. She had a high pain tolerance and found herself pushing through without seeking help, submitting to the strong Black woman persona. The pain continued, and Kay called 911; she woke up in the ICU. Kay lost her baby. She lost the joy in her pregnancy. Her daughter was stillborn. She couldn’t hold her, not because she wasn't allowed but because she didn’t want to; there was a disconnect. Ten years later, she still feels that loss.

Life after the loss was harder than the loss. The words of her friends and family weren’t comforting. The idea of another opportunity to be pregnant again didn’t soothe or heal her. Give it time; tough words that proved to be isolating. The help she needed was hard to explain. She couldn’t articulate what she needed even when people asked her directly. Kay described herself as a broken plate without enough glue to put it back together.

A rebirth at 7-8 months postpartum saved Kay. She could feel herself withering away. The domino effect of infant loss started and shifted her community, the loss of things and people, friendships, and relationships, including her partner. They had to separate and rebuild from scratch after Kay spent some time to herself in deep healing. Journaling her feelings helped her explore her patterns and how to dictate the outcomes of her days. She started asking people about their birth stories, which opened the door for people to talk about their losses, abortions, joy, and pain. Kay saw the mental health needs of birthing people as a new cause to fight and build for. Her life as a chef was winding down as she fulfilled her commitments without the love for the work.

Kay’s passion for Black Maternal Mental Health grew The Shades of Blue Project. Centering the experience of birth and not the outcome is inclusive and not isolating. Social support in the form of diapers, formula, etc. Mental health support for losses of all types, miscarriages, stillbirths, and abortions. Creating safe spaces that are accessible for the people, decreasing barriers to resources, help serve those who need it most. A beautiful boutique designed to empower its clients to be engaged in their own experiences with dignity. What you do for yourself helps you serve others. This year (2023) the Black Maternal Mental Health Week, created and hosted by Kay and The Shades of Blue Project, will continue their I.N.S.P.I.R.E. Method training. The intention is to provide compassionate care methods specifically for women of color and minorities, which doulas can implement, midwives, clinicians, and those facilitating support groups.

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150 | Celebration of Life - Shawnise Chantell

This is a story about loss and rebirth; specifically what the Medical Industrial Complex deems a “near miss.” A maternal near miss occurs when someone nearly died but survived a complication that occurred during pregnancy, childbirth, or within 42 days of termination of pregnancy. 

Consider where your mind, body, and spirit are sitting during the time you read and listen to this story. 

Shawnise embarked on her third pregnancy with intentional care for herself and growing her family one last time. She managed her health and nutrition while raising her other daughters without complications in her pregnancy. A mother's quiet preparation had carried her through to term.

She planned a tubal ligation after the birth upon deciding that her family was complete. Shawnise understood that the procedure was simple and harmless, that would not be the case for Shawnise. Soon after delivering her daughter, she was rushed into the operating room for her procedure, not allowing time for skin-to-skin or initiating lactation. Post-surgery, she showed signs of severe illness over the next few days. The family immediately advocated for her care and informed her care providers that something was wrong and that she may be showing signs of infection. The response was not immediate and was dismissive at first. Her family pushed harder for emergent care; exploratory surgery began that night. Shawnise would spend two months in the hospital after being diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, Renal Failure, Perforated Bowel, Double Pneumonia, and Upper Respiratory Failure. Shawnise’s thoughts started to echo that she would not survive. Shawnise flatlined on the day before her expected discharge from the hospital. Her sister returned to the hospital and showed up in her scrubs from her job. She was mistaken for a staff member as they interacted with her in the room. Only discovering later that she was Shawnise’s sister after she passed out seeing her lifeless sister on the bed. Twenty minutes passed as Shawnise experienced a spiritual awakening in what she calls the Afterlife. She describes feeling the love and grace of God before being sent back home.

Trauma has a way of stealing joy from beautiful moments in our lives. You would never know that Baby Kensie’s birth was peaceful. It was perfectly normal. The pregnancy was beautiful. The family was strong then and even stronger today. Addressing her mental health has brought her to the point of sharing her story of triumph. Shawnise wakes up every day and can care for her children. Love helps her move forward and not look back.

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143 | The Journey, the Pain , the Promise - Brittany Turner

Before meeting her partner Tony, Brittany Turner didn't think it would be possible for her to have children. After suffering three miscarriages, she had been on a journey to understand the cause of her losses. There is undergoing bloodwork, genetic testing, and numerous ultrasounds, with no definite answer. So when she and Tony decided they were ready to expand their family together, they were pleasantly surprised when she became pregnant. But having both experienced the loss of children, they both were carrying an immense amount of anxiety, at times causing tension between them.

At 34 weeks pregnant - the longest pregnancy she had carried, Brittany noticed that her Braxton Hicks contractions were coming quite frequently. There was an uneasiness that something wasn't right that she was holding. Brittany decided that she would sit with the feeling throughout the night and see how she felt in the morning. But in the morning, the contractions and feelings were still there, accompanied by a small amount of bleeding. Sharing this with Tony, they both decided going in for monitoring would be best.

They did not expect that monitoring would shift to the need for an emergency surgical birth. Brittany reflected that nurses began rushing into her room without warning, explaining to her that due to her son's heart rate dropping, they were going to need to take her to the operating room (OR). Having to be entirely under anesthesia, the last thing Brittany remembers is saying a prayer to God to keep her and her son safe. She awoke, wondering what had happened and where her baby was. And when she was reunited with Tony, he placed their son on her chest - her son placed his little hand on her cheek. A sign that Brittany says was her son telling her that her prayers were answered, and they were ok.

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134 | Making Peace with the Unknown - Ivory & Ernest Levert Jr.

For Ivory and Ernest a previous miscarriage had introduced a fear of pregnancy loss that loomed for a while. Their healing has enabled them to share their story with grace and humility. As the pregnancy thrived, Ivory and Ernest began to manage and prepare for childbirth. They hired a ROOTT perinatal support doula to support their pregnancy. They were able to start working with their doula in the critical stages of the first trimester and all the way through labor and immediate postpartum. Ivory always knew she wanted to work with a ROOTT doula and found it helpful to process her feelings and birth plans in the early stages with someone else.

Ivory utilized our podcast to listen to a slew of birth stories to learn what possibilities could present when labor started. An online childbirth education helped them learn even more about expectations and how labor could unfold. Ivory felt empowered with her newly gained knowledge. Ernest graciously shared that he was not emotionally invested in how the pregnancies would go, as he tends to stay in the now. His parenthood journey grew slowly as they got closer to their due date. Ernest started a grieving process of shifting his identity to make space for a new baby. Leaning into the voices of friends that are fathers, he learned to fill the gaps and help with managing stress for Ivory.

When labor started, Ivory texted her doula and Ernest that she was cramping. She wanted to stay active and decided to take a walk and spend some time with her husband at home as she wanted to stay relaxed. Contractions picked up, and they chose to report to the hospital to see how labor was progressing. Labor would go on longer than anticipated, but with the support of Ernest and their doula, Faith, Ivory endured. She gave birth to their daughter and immediately began her breastfeeding journey.

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132 | Trusting the Surrender ~ Aureyl Pitts-Thomas

Having had a chemical pregnancy before, Aureyl held onto a lot of fear about her health and its correlation to how this pregnancy would continue. Not feeling supported by her care provider, she reached out to two of her dear friends who also happened to be doulas at the time with the local doula organization Restoring Our Own Through Transformation (ROOTT). This additional layer of support gave her the tools to switch to a new care provider that was perfect for her family. Her doula also guided her in managing her hyperemesis gravidarum diagnosis. In a conversation with her doula, she realized that she had to address the fear she had about her body. Her doula explained that she couldn't "operate in both." She had to be either affirming that she was truly capable or sit alongside the fear. Aureyl realized she had to do the work and shared from then that her pregnancy and birth would have a theme of continued surrender - surrendering to her body, words, and thoughts about what her experience should be.

On Sept. 13th, 2020, around midnight, Aureyl went to the bathroom and noticed some fluid with a pink tinge. Having done in-depth prep with her doula about what to expect when labor began, Aureyl was pretty confident her waters had broken. She informed her doula, her family, and care provider and went back to bed to try and rest. The following day with the support of her doula, they tried to help labor progress with movement, continued to monitor the amount of fluid she was losing (as she had a small leak), along with her temperature and baby's heartbeat. After 24 hours of this routine, they decided to head to the hospital. The hospital birth team informed Aureyl she would need to get a cervical check to confirm that her waters had broken and how her body was progressing. This check was extremely painful for her, and after hearing that she was only 1cm dilated, she expressed feeling a sense of deep discouragement, and the tinges of distrust of her body began rising again. Discussing options with her birth team, she decided to rest, and as she continued to move through her birth, the trust of surrendering she had put in her pregnancy would still ring true.

Aureyl had to ask herself to surrender to the shifts of her birth; this included the support of Pitocin to help her progress. The guidance from her doctor in getting an epidural to ease her distress with cervical checks and the later part of her labor was supportive. And ultimately, meeting her baby on Sept. 15th through a surgical birth was what was aligned for them. Reflecting on her experience, Aureyl indicates that she could be at peace with each of those decisions as they were all made on her terms. And she looks back on her experience in awe of how beautiful it was for her.

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127 | Friendship to Family - Giánni & Ron

Giánni and Ron expanded their family in 2019 and 2020, welcoming two beautiful daughters to fortify their new marriage. They were already parents building their blended family, but these pregnancies connected all of the dots and allowed them both to journey through the highs and lows of creating a new life together. They were both interested in having mature and intentional pregnancy experiences.

The first pregnancy was without complications, and Giánni was able to have the labor and delivery she had hoped for. Upon learning she was pregnant again shortly after her birth, Giánni and Ron paused and carefully considered if and how they would move forward with this pregnancy. She had made plans for her life's next steps and knew that committing to bring forth another life could prompt her to delay some of her dreams. They chose to maintain the pregnancy as their family members had recently endured the loss of an infant due to stillbirth. They felt called and chosen to accept this gift.

Giánni's second pregnancy occurred as the pandemic was shifting the daily lives of everyone. It brought health challenges that would make the pregnancy hard on her physically and mentally - including not knowing if Ron would be present for the birth. He had fallen ill around the same time as her induction and was admitted to the same hospital. She had the support of her ROOTT doula but was thankful that Ron would be discharged, joining her for the birth of their child within a couple of hours of her delivery. She would continue to have to monitor her health to stabilize her blood pressure with the support of the doctor and doula as they continued postpartum care.

Vulnerability was and has been the key to working as a team and building a solid foundation for their family. Ron articulated the need for fathers to have spaces to come without pretense or thought about who they are, their occupations, or social status. He also acknowledged the need for partners to create space for their wives to have time for themselves to recharge and work on their dreams. Giánni and Ron were able to come to each other with their needs by defaulting to the friendship they had before marriage. Giánni exclusively breastfed, and she found herself often feeling "touched out." Ron stepped in to help with researching and supporting Giánni until she was able to build herself up as well. Balancing four children proved to be challenging as they all needed something different from their parents. Breakdowns come, and they have kept up their communication and are persevering.

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123 | Living the Promise - Carrita Flie

Carrita Flie graciously opened up to us about both her miscarriages and birth. This was the first time Carrita shared the details of both her traumatic losses and one amazing blessing. Due to her history, her third pregnancy was heavily monitored. She worked with maternal-fetal medicine in addition to a regular OB as she was considered high-risk. They discovered that her cervix had thinned at 21 weeks and had a cerclage placed to help keep her from delivering her baby early. It was difficult to hear that if her water broke during the procedure, there would be no life-saving efforts for the baby due to "point of viability" gestational age, which can vary from 20-24 weeks in different areas. Her planning was minimal as she could only focus on having a living, breathing child at birth. The plan was survival.

Carrita reached 26 weeks and attended her regular prenatal appointment, and it was without incident. When she arrived home, she started to notice regular contractions and eventually lost her mucus plug. She called her husband for support and was taken to the hospital. The nurse at the hospital immediately dismissed her concerns and denied that she was in labor. The doctor on call completed a cervical exam and confirmed what Carrita already knew. Carrita had reported to the ER three times before that day and was angered at how she could have been better served by the staff and possibly prevented the premature birth. She had a brief encounter with her baby after his emergency surgical birth by way of a resounding cry. He was whisked away to the NICU for care, and Carrita remained in the operating room with her health issues. It was traumatic as she felt everything happening to her body as her epidural had started to weaken. A Black nurse was present with her in the operating room that she credits as being an angel to her and kept her safe from potential harm as her doctor was trying to manage her care.

Postpartum was stressful as she was pumping for her newborn and studying for her finals in her postgraduate program. The NICU stay began snowballing as her baby battled respiratory issues and infections that led to life support measures. The road to recovery and healing would be long for both Carrita and her husband while they were both on their trajectories. The space to pause was delayed for over a year as their family managed the health concerns. Today, Carrita can see not only where she was but who she is now mentally and physically. Their son Isaac, named after the promised son to Abraham and is growing, healthy, and strong after enduring multiple surgeries and therapies.

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112 | Dr. Shalon's Maternal Action Project (DSMAP) - Shared by Bianca Pryor

Bianca Pryor felt led to start sharing her personal birth experience and how it interweaves with the birth story and untimely passing of her best friend, Dr. Shalon Irving. They discovered they were expecting around the same time and committed to "doing pregnancy" together. It was an exciting time in their lives after they both had experienced sibling losses. They were able to see and feel the positive energy around them. Bianca reflected on the newness of how much information we now have about the experiences of Black women in birthing spaces. Today, it has been reported so much more, but they were not prepared for what lay ahead for them.

Dr. Shalon would give birth via scheduled surgical birth to Soleil in January 2017 with no complications during the delivery. The best friends bonded in the newness of motherhood and leaned into each other for support. Three weeks postpartum for Dr. Shalon, they texted briefly while Bianca was still in the NICU. Later that day, she received another text stating that her friend was in the hospital because she had stopped breathing. Dr. Shalon had shared that her legs were still swollen, and she had low energy. She had also been receiving wound care at home as she was having challenges with her incision healing properly. She was a fierce advocate for her health but was pushed off by her medical providers. Dr. Shalon Irving passed away shortly after - her friends and family vigilant on her behalf.

The Believe Her App and Dr. Shalon's Maternal Action Plan are projects birthed by Bianca and Dr. Shalon's mother, Wanda Irving, as a form of activism and memorializes Dr. Shalon's life and her legacy. Believe Her is an anonymous, maternal, peer-to-peer app created to fight extraordinarily high black maternal mortality rates and save lives. Dr. Shalon's Maternal Action Project works to remove barriers, biases, and disparate practices that impede access to equitable, quality care for Black women and women of color. Their work is based on the life philosophy of Dr. Shalon:

"I see inequity wherever it exists. I am not afraid to call it by name and work hard to eliminate it. I vow to create a better earth."

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104 | Choosing Joy - Dadriaunna Hayes

Dae joined us to share her beautifully intertwined birth stories of loss and joy reclaimed. She experienced the unexpected loss of her first child during the early part of her third trimester. She began a healing journey that included therapy, where she started journaling. The process proved therapeutic and taught her how to make space for herself and rebuild her trust in God.

Dae worked through the waves of grief and discovered she was pregnant again; this time, it was during a pandemic. She gathered her team, created an active morning routine, and simply chose to enjoy the pregnancy. They planned for a birth at home and put in the work to make it happen by hiring a midwife and doula. After managing through over 20 hours of labor, they decided to transition to the hospital. She continued to labor without progressing and found herself at peace at how birth would unfold and welcomed her son via surgical birth.

Dae has adopted a belief of motherhood as a joyous experience. She has developed a community online that has centered the scripture referencing beauty for ashes. She is now holding space for women who have experienced some form of loss and want to exchange that grief for a new experience of joy and beauty.

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88 | Joy & Sorrow Can Occupy the Same Space - Dani Kilgore

This is a story that includes loss - In memory of William Jr.

Dani describes her story as a faith journey to motherhood - a journey that has included pain, joy but also lots of hope. In 2010, a year into their marriage Dani and her husband found out they were pregnant. Yet early into this pregnancy, they would experience a miscarriage. Processing through that, they decided to wait before trying again, and three years later, Dani was pregnant. They found out it was a boy and knew they wanted to name him William Jr. after her husband. But at 28 weeks, September 2013, her placenta would stop working, and William Jr. was born. But William's time earthside would be short, and after a hard fight, he would pass that November.

The passing of their son was extremely difficult for them. Working through their grief, they leaned into their family, friends, and support through therapy. During this time, they were connected with the March of Dimes. For Dani, March of Dimes provider her with the hope she needed. Connecting with other families with the same shared experience allowed them all to know they were not navigating this alone. Participating in the March of Dimes walk allows her and her husband to honor their son and the children they never met.

This support and hope carried them through another miscarriage in 2014 and then becoming pregnant with their daughter Harper in 2015. Understanding her health history, Dani and her husband decided with their care team to have a surgical birth with Harper at 35 weeks. As a result of being born premature, she was diagnosed with Sensorineural hearing loss (SNHL) - where audio fibers in her ear either didn't develop or did and died. Because of that, she does wear bilateral hearing aids. But as Dani described beyond that, "she is doing well" and a "sign that miracles can happen!"

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82 | Birth: The Truth of a Miscarriage - Kia Livingston

This is a story about loss - In memory of “little pumpkin”

When Kia and her partner found out they were pregnant last April, they were ecstatic. As they settled into the first trimester, Kia began struggling with some complications that included intense nausea and early spotting. And while her OBGYN assured her that her symptoms were routine and what most birthing people experience. Kia's intuition told her something wasn't right.

When thinking about what could be wrong, the possibility of having a miscarriage didn't come up. It wasn't something that Kia had heard anyone having experienced and associated it with only begin a concern in the early part of pregnancy. So she was surprised at 14 weeks when she went into labor. Sharing her story, Kia walks us through the intimate moments of giving birth and the loss of her son at home.

Healing for Kia has been intense but centered in reminders that she was not at fault and not holding on to guilt. Staying focused on what her baby taught and brought to her life emotionally and mentally. That while she didn't get to hold him and experience him physically, she was his mother, and there was hope for her being a mother again.

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76 | A Journey Towards Healing: Motherhood After Loss - Alishia Anderson

This is a story about loss - In memory of Derek Jerrell Anderson Jr., aka DJ

Alishia Anderson shares that motherhood has stretched her in ways she didn't even know she could be stretched. That the lessons she has taken from her journey are that "motherhood is very unpredictable, and having living children is an underrated blessing!"

Her motherhood journey was turned upside down as within her first pregnancy at 28 weeks, during a routine ultrasound appointment, they discovered her son no longer had a heartbeat. Needing time to process, Alishia and her husband decided to move forward with induction for the next day. That evening they prepared to meet their son, researching what it meant to lose a baby this early, the name for their experience, and trying to gain some sense of what to expect. After three days of labor, she gave birth to her angel baby Derrek Jerrell Anderson Jr., aka DJ. The groundwork that a supportive nurse provided in helping her understand the reality of what postpartum would look like as a stillbirth survivor was something Alishia found to be fundamental in finding healing and also navigating becoming a parent again.

A year later, Alisha and her husband would add their rainbow baby Grayson to their family and their golden baby Gavin two and a half years after that. And each story bringing its twists and turns but embracing everything within them.

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74 | Honoring Loss into Life - Marise Angibeau Gray

This is a story about loss - In memory of Carter, Stokely, and Ellison

When Marise and her husband found out they were pregnant with their first son, there was a sense of shock, but soon followed with overwhelming joy and excitement. In the early parts, Marise did experience spotting, a concern she brought to her care provider, who was pretty dismissive about it—contributing that it was normal and pretty common. Come 11 weeks, Marise had begun having cramping and her spotting, again she brought this to her doctor's attention, an ultrasound was done, and everything seemed to be okay. Yet as the week continued, things began to worsen, and by the end of the week, she was having a spontaneous miscarriage. Something she wasn't prepared for - her water breaking, having contractions and having her baby pass through her womb. After her loss, her life spun into survival mode.

These feelings of confusion, heartbreak, grief, and processing through healing would continue on a cycle - as, in the next two years, they would become pregnant twice more and lose two more sons.

When they found out they were pregnant with their fourth child they didn't want to put pressure on themselves and took the pregnancy day by day. A mantra Marise carried with her often, "I am a birth giver. I'm able to carry another life, no matter how short or how long." kept her grounded throughout the pregnancy. At 39 weeks, she elected to be induced, and her daughter Memphys was born amongst peace and calm. This is a story of healing, hope, and joy!

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58 | Story of Malachi: Living Through Loss - Crystall Boatwright

This is a story about loss - In memory of Malachi Cayden Boatwright

Crystall was 28 weeks before she found out she was pregnant. and there were some daunting concerns about the baby's health. They spent the rest of the day through testing and trying to process all the information. Malachi was born 7lbs, eyes bright and open taking in his parents. After some time in NICU, he transitioned with his father rocking and singing to him. Crystall is honest that it was tough and painful to try and go back to what was. As she put it, how do you explain to people what you went through and what you're going through - "There is no baby in me and no baby in my arms."

Crystall attributes that the place she is currently on her journey is due to finding community and other families that had walked in her shoes. Others allowed her to share her truth, all parts of it without question, and with lots of love. There is healing in community, there is support in community, and there is always space in community - in whatever capacity you may need it.

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50 | Birthing Our Ancestors - Barakah Sahaiel

This is a story about loss - miscarriage & abortion.

Barakah Sahaiel is a multi-faceted artist and birth worker who shared her personal experiences with pregnancy. She had a public passing of her fetus that she kept a secret for two years - personal shame kept her from sharing until she started Birthing Our Ancestors with her best friend. Sharing her stories of abortion and miscarriage (spontaneous and elective abortions) and finding new language to describe her experiences helped her release and begin to heal. Barakah was able to reframe her mindset and release herself from the shame that some mothers who have miscarried continue to carry with them.

Birthing Our Ancestors was born and became Barakah’s healing space. They invited women and men to engage in group therapy and conversation surrounding pregnancy loss. The sessions include a meal, group therapy, open dialogue, and an art project that supports womb trauma. Birthing Our Ancestors celebrates the connection between the spiritual and physical world of birthing both life and death.

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43 | Saul's Light - Kimberly Novod

This is a story about loss - In memory of Saul

With no early indication, in 2014, Kimberly and Aaron Novod's son, Saul, was born prematurely at twenty-eight weeks and six days. He was whisked to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Initially, they thought he was going to do well and would be bringing their baby home. Yet, baby Saul passed after twenty days in the NICU due to a brain bleed. As a way to process through their grief and work on healing, Kimberly and her husband Aaron created Saul's Light. During their time of need, their community surrounded them in love and support, which was an integral part of their healing process. Thus, making it their mission to provide the same outpouring to all NICU and bereaved families. A vital part of the support provided to families is through mobilizing people, organizations, and resources directly from their community.

In the sharing of her birth story, Kimberly makes it clear and points that we cannot ignore the disparities that black and brown babies are overrepresented in the NICU and the graveyard. When parents are present for their babies and present in their care, they have better outcomes. Saul's Light allows for families to have that, responsive to the whole experience of NICU and also addressing infant mortality. It is a communal embrace, reminding families that their community cares about them, and they're not alone!

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18 | Tatia - Shared by Maddy Oden

This is a story about loss - In memory of Tatia Oden French & Baby Zorah

We had the honor of having Tatia's mother Maddy Oden to share Tatia's story with us. Maddy and her family knew that they didn't want others to go through the same experience. From their loss, they developed the Tatia Oden French Memorial Foundation in March 2003 to continue Tatia's memory and provide education to others.

This experience highlights the importance of informed consent, the medicalization of birth specifically with the induction drug Cytotec and infant/maternal mortality. We hope that as you listen, you don't sit in fear from their story, but instead take in the information, share it with others and help extend the mission of the foundation.

We can't control birth, and we can't predict outcomes, but we can gather information to ensure decisions are lead by our informed voices!

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